There’s a pebble in my shoe

Flaggy Shore, Co. Clare, Ireland

Good morning folks! I’d like to get back to the origins of this blog with today’s post and talk about when and how I first noticed medicine wasn’t all that I thought it would be. These were the pebbles in my shoe - eventually, there were so many, I didn’t need any more reasons to get off the path. This will only be an introduction to the topic - this post would become a novel if I were to discuss all my reasons for leaving in one go.

I think I’ve been putting off writing this particular post. Kind of unexpected right? Considering this is a blog about leaving medicine - of course I would be discussing the reasons why. But it’s been over a year since I left, and writing about this topic means revisiting all the things that made me feel so unhappy, uncomfortable, angry and disappointed while in medical school and in the hospital. These are feelings I’d like to put behind me.

Nonetheless, this post is important because I have found that reading and listening to other doctors describe similar experiences has been validating. I’m not the only disillusioned doctor out here, and my feelings aren’t unique - what a relief.

So I suppose I’ll get on with it then!

I believe I might have come across a disillusioned doctor on my very first experience of the wards as a student. I was in my pre-med year and the module was called ‘Early Patient Contact.’ I was on the wards putting on my bravest face, equipped with the subheadings of a patient history on a piece of paper. I was going to talk to a real patient and take a real patient history – thank goodness we were going in pairs!

I suspect the doctor showing us around that day was an intern, but I can’t be sure. Her introduction basically consisted of her name and “Run! While you still can.” Obviously, I can’t remember her exact words, but I remember my group laughing about it after – how that doctor seemed to really hate her job – how absurd!

Back then I put Medicine on a pedestal. I might have to see some blood or bone but there were no real downsides to the career! Honestly, I was so naïve I couldn’t sympathise with that doctor at all… Needless to say, I did not heed the warning.

It was only in my 4th year (my first clinical year) that I began to realise what a doctor’s life might actually look like. I was on my paediatrics rotation and it was my turn to experience the night shift …until 10 pm. I was shadowing the paediatrics registrar on call. It was his last month in Letterkenny, Donegal; next month he would move to a hospital in Dublin. - How exciting! A big city hospital; what a great opportunity! - He told me he had a family and that they’d only just settled in Letterkenny. He couldn’t move them again. He planned to come back at the weekends - the ones he wasn’t working. He wasn’t happy about it, but it was what it was; there was nothing he could do.

Now, I kid you not, I was practically 4 years into my degree and this was the first time I heard about junior doctors being moved around the country on their clinical rotations. Previous to this, I honestly thought doctors applied for jobs in the hospitals they wanted to work in, in the towns they wanted to live in. Obviously, I didn’t think we always got our first choice, but “they’re desperate for doctors, you can get a job anywhere” is what I had been hearing all along. Well. Turns out you can rank your preferred locations, but while you’re a junior doctor in Ireland, you’re going to be moved around hospitals and cities and counties every 4-6 months. 

This was a shock to me. I have always wanted a family and my own house – what did this instability mean for my personal plans!? I was angry – why didn’t anyone tell us about this before!? Why is it assumed we know exactly what we’re going into when we’re filling out our medical school applications at 17 years old?

Maybe if you come from a medical family you might be enlightened… but the rest of us, how would we know if we’re not told? Why would we even think to look this up? Why would we assume it’s not like other jobs: you live in this town so you apply for a job in this town and the neighbouring towns. You get a job and you proceed with your career. Maybe you leave in search of new experiences elsewhere or maybe you stay right here with your family, indefinitely. Nope. Four years in and only then was my bubble burst.

Fast forward a couple of semesters; I’m on my obstetrics and gynaecology rotation shadowing my consultant. We’re zipping around checking in on patients before heading into theatre. We come across one of the obs & gynae registrars on the corridor and the consultant stops to get an update on the reg’s research paper. The consultant’s advice to the reg was to hand her 6-month-old baby to her husband until she gets her paper written. He said this like it was the obvious thing to do. The reg just nodded along, agreeing with him. – This response from the reg is not unfamiliar. Isn’t that how 99.9% of us react around consultants? We wouldn’t want to disagree with them and lose their favour. After all, they probably know best, right? 

The consultant also had a baby on the way… 

This interaction broke my heart. How could this be the norm? How could a new parent be expected to prioritise their research paper over their new baby? How could a new parent be advised to hand over the care of their new baby to their partner by an outsider? I don’t know how many hours of work she still had to put into that paper, but whatever the length of time, we can be sure it wouldn’t be during working hours. Most of that work would be done during her personal time, and her maternity leave was over, so her time with her baby was already limited. 

These are just a couple of examples of the reality of working in healthcare; just a couple of examples of the sacrifices healthcare professionals are expected to make in their personal lives in favour of their careers. They stood out to me because I have always wanted a family and a house of my own. I had every intention of becoming a good doctor, and I wanted to pursue a lifetime of learning, but I didn’t think it would be at such an expense to my personal life goals.

Of course, it is possible to pursue a career in medicine and have a family, but there is no denying that geographical instability and a work culture where ‘your job comes first’ might be your reality is going to have some negative impacts on your personal life, your plans, your goals, your outlook. Healthcare professionals make compromises and adapt to this lifestyle every day, but this is not the lifestyle I want. I have different priorities; I’m thankful I’ve figured that out now.

My partner is a software engineer. He was contacted by a recruiter for a company who emphasised that “your job is a job.” They respected their employees’ personal time and they expected their employees to respect their own time, too. Unfortunately, they were not looking to recruit on-site medical personnel. 

Remember to take care of yourselves, too.

Isabella